Growing up sucked, plain and simple. My parents got divorced when I was 4, and although that was okay and never really affected me negatively, my father getting remarried did. I can’t even count how many times I begged my mom to make up an excuse so I wouldn’t have to go to my dad’s on his weekends. It wasn’t the fact I didn’t want to see him; it was the fact I didn’t want to see or be treated bad for the umpteenth time by my stepmom and stepsister again. There’s no way around it: My stepmother is a mean, evil woman who takes joy in making other people’s lives miserable and my stepsister is the same way, only more vain. Honestly, growing up I felt like Cinderella, minus the other nasty stepsis.

So, where am I going with this? I could sit here and write about all the horrible things they did to me, but I’d need a publisher by the time I was done. My father isn’t completely innocent in the story, either. He allowed them to act like that, allowed me to get punished when my stepsister did something (in my stepmother’s house, if her daughter got punished, I had to be disciplined too, regardless if I committed the crime or not), and allowed me to feel abandoned. So many times I wished on a star they would get divorced or at least separate. Maybe it was wrong, but I can’t take it back now.

Fast forward. Obviously, I’m not close with my father or his “family.” He came to my wedding a year ago, for 15 minutes, and that was about it. I haven’t really talked to him since then either, and then out of the blue he calls me this last Tuesday to ask if Chris and I can come by to take a look at the Lexus because he scraped it on the wall of the garage due to my stepsister’s shit being in the way (you have no idea how.. piggish she is).

To make a long story short, we met him at his house around 7, and the moment I walked in I knew something was off kilter, despite not being in the house for a long time. My half siblings, Tehya and Jordan, are 8 and have toys coming out of their ass, I swear.. so when I walked in and barely saw anything lying around, I really didn’t know what to think. We talked for a minute, my dad bragging about how he lost 60 lbs or something, and when I finally asked where everyone was, here’s how the conversation went:

me: “Where is everyone? I wanted to see the twins..”
dad: “Oh, they’re not here. They’re at their house.”
me: Pause. “Huh? What do you mean their house?”
dad: “Oh, Dalyn and I have been separated for the last.. year? She has the kids right now, at our rental.”
me: Insert jaw drop, speechless Beara.

I think I just stood there for what seemed like forever, blinking. The way he said it.. was so nonchalant, like it just rolled off his tongue and back with ease. Didn’t even phase him. Finally, I know I was like WTF and he went on to explain that he still loves her and whatnot, but they and the kids are happier separated. I about died. I still can’t believe it. They were married for 16 years, and although I despise her very much, I never thought in a million years they would ultimately go different ways. I’m.. shell-shocked, to tell you the truth. It still hasn’t hit home yet, so to speak. In the end of things it doesn’t affect me, but I still can’t grasp the reality of it.

We ended up staying for a little longer than expected with my dad updating us on what’s been going on and then we took a look at the car. Hahaha. When he hits something, he hits something. Mostly, it’s just the paint and shit that needs to be redone.. but there is a dent. We planned on going back over yesterday to fix it and have my dad make us dinner, but he called and asked if we could come tonight instead because he’ll have the kids and they really wanna see me. Oh, my babies.. I’ve missed you, too!

So.. all I have to say is.. whoa. There’s a tidal wave of change coming through the region — just hope I can ride it out.

I… can’t believe Christmas is 3 weeks away. The year has flown by, and it never ceases to amaze me every time. I also can’t believe it’s going to be 2010. What the fuck.. where does all the time go?! I really enjoy this time of year, but since being with C not so much; it’s hard to when your significant other dislikes the holidays and mirrors Scrooge when it comes to the “giving spirit.” I would love to buy gifts for friends and family, but since he’s the one that brings home the bacon that won’t be happening.

I guess another aspect of the holiday season I have issues with is the depression that seems to hit like a ton of bricks. Yeah, yeah, everybody gets sad/lonely during Christmas and the New Year, but for someone who battles depression enough on a daily basis, I don’t need anymore of a push. I won’t go into great detail because honestly it’s a long boring story, but I do wish I could change certain things. Wishing on a star just isn’t cutting it anymore. Whatever. Enough of that pity party crap. I’m sure the mother-daughter tag team that stalk me daily would love to hear more on the subject, but too damn bad. Wanna read something? Try this. I recommend it, completely.

Anyways, thanks for all the compliments on the new layout. I know the coding was retarded earlier, but it should be good to go now. See any problems, lemme know. In addition to the new layout, I finished the hosting section and am now offering a few spots here at FA.org. So, go do yourself and me a favour by signing up. Bahahaha. Congruent to all of that, I’m also working on the layout for the portfolio. There’s a few tweaks and things I need to work out, but it ought to be finished soon.

I won’t make any promises since the end of the quarter is near (December 7thish), and I still need to turn in two projects. Ugh. The only thing I’m looking forward to is the little time off I have between this quarter and the next and the fact that my internship starts in January. It’ll kick so much ass if I get placed with m.i.s.t. Transcribing in my pajamas — I can dig it.

“  I breathe you in, I breathe you in and now I’m in too deep // You’re so contagious and now I know for sure there is no cure.