It may just be me, but.. things are looking up.

“  You make me dance like a fool // forget how to breathe // shine like gold // buzz like a bee // Just the thought of you can drive me wild // Oh, you make me smile

I believe the worst feeling in the world is being let down and having promises once made be broken. Perhaps the only thing that can top it is when you’re the culprit who’s doing the damage, and sadly I’m guilty as charged. It’s no secret that my marriage has been on the rocks for quite some time now (and not the good kind with rum attached) and that I’ve struggled and battled with the depression that has come as a parting gift with it. I’ve been keeping my emotions under wraps, and New Years Eve was the boiling point. I finally told Chris how I feel about us, our life together, and our “marriage.” What a way to bring in 2010.

Earlier that day I went for a drive by the Freeman area because I just had to get out of the house.. When I’m inconsolable, music is the only thing that can pluck the right heartstrings, and at that moment I had to get rid of the feelings that were just so overwhelming. After driving for a half an hour, I turned around and headed to Albertsons to pick up some soda and milk. Once home, Chris was playing the new game he got for Christmas, and I went to put the groceries away. He came up behind me and was all “Oh, you got moo juice?” and went in to hug me. Of course I moved from his embrace, and when he asked why I didn’t like to be touched anymore, the word vomit just came out. I couldn’t stop it; it was like it had a mind of its own. “I’m just not happy anymore.. I don’t know how I feel about you.” I think I wanted to hyperventilate, but I just stared at him as he turned off the game, as if I was having an out-of-body experience.

Annnnd then… »